Note to Self: I am Enough

I have a secret. A secret inside a secret, I guess you could say and it is our secrets that keep us sick.

My secret begins with this confession.....I was obese.

One day I walked out of the convenience store. My clothes didn't fit, so my tummy was showing. Two teenage boys looked at me and said "Oh.... my.....God."  Its all they said, but what I heard was "Look at her belly. Look at that butt. She is so fat." I heard nothing but disgust.

I went home and determined that I was going to change.

I started out walking five minutes a day. I huffed and puffed my way through it. Not only was I obese, I was a smoker. I was an insulin-dependent diabetic. I was on cholesterol reducing medication. I needed a cpap at night to sleep. I was depressed. I was miserable.

Five minute walks became ten minute walks, and then fifteen minutes. I finally found the nerve to join Curves. I took the American Diabetes Association class and began their suggested diet. I lost 50 lbs. After those fifty pounds, I was able to get off the insulin.

By this time I was able to walk and work out for 30 minutes. My apartment complex had a treadmill and a recumbent bicycle. In addition to working out at Curves, I worked out on both of those and slowly continued to lose weight. I walked my dog, Abigail, twice a day through the neighborhood.

I  joined T.O.P.S. (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) which is a weight loss group that encourages healthy weight loss. There are weekly weigh-ins. I stopped smoking as well.

I lost a total of 140 lbs and won first place for the most weight loss in Tennessee in my weight loss category. I didn't go to Knoxville to pick up the award because I had another secret.

I was anorexic. 

Anorexia had been a part of my life since I was very young. It wasn't until after my mother died ten years ago that I began to gain weight.

As I began to approach my goal weight in T.O.P.S, I started once again to focus on the number on the scale, not on staying healthy. As my weight diminished, my physician became concerned. She employed the health of a board certified nutritionist that I saw on a weekly basis.

I joined the YMCA and began to exercise, I sought out personal training with Pam Archer.

Pam taught me about strength conditioning and always told me, "Moderation, Haseleah. Moderation."  My nutritionist, Amber Reynolds was saying "Moderation, Haseleah. Moderation." My primary care doctor was also saying "Moderation, Haseleah. Moderation."

It took me two years to listen. I worked out 7 days a week for several hours a day. I restricted my calories to dangerous levels. It wasn't until a reoccurance of my autoimmune disease knocked me to my knees, and put me on medical leave, that I fully understood what everyone was telling me.

Now, I am learning every day what moderation means. I eat a healthy balance of all food groups. I keep a food journal. I watch my fluid intake. I do my best not to over exercise. No longer will you find me in a gym 24 hours a day. You will find me there, but for an hour or two doing sensible workouts.

I am still under the care of my nutritionist and my autoimmune disease is being treated by one of the best immunologists in the country. I take injections each week to boost my immune system. 

I'm living now. Really living. I look healthier because I am healthier. I lost a few of the wrinkles on my face when I started focusing on health rather than numbers on a scale. I feel better than I ever have. I don't weigh anymore. We don't have a scale in the house. I've learned that a person's worth cannot be measure by a scale. I am already worthy. I am enough.

 When the journey seems too long Jamie and I remember this quote: "You must have one successful day before you can have two days, and you must have two successful days before you can have twenty. All you need to think about is today."

I have missed my job at the Greater YMCA of Kingsport. I miss the members, the staff, and all my friends. It is my hope to return to work the first week in June.
Teaching others about healthy living is my dream and the YMCA helps me fulfill that dream.

I am still gaining my strength and I am having more good days than bad. I am encouraged every day by my partner, Jamie, and my daughter, Amber. I'm able to look at pictures of myself for the first time and see myself the way they do.

My journey doesn't end here, but I have taken a different road. A healthier road.

Winston Churchill once said something that stays with me and I find very profound:

"Success isn't final, failure isn't fatal. Its the courage to continue that counts."

I failed. I succeeded. I failed again. Then I got up and tried once more.

You can do the same. You are worthy too. You are enough.

My daughter and I. Mother's Day 2015